Below are some thoughts from a very dark week... written on the road, on my ipod. but everything is getting better now. Just wanna post it up to remind myself...
On the bus home. Listening to Gu Ju Ji's Qing Ge Wang. Realised it had been a long time since I had penned down my thoughts. And i think i am having a very emotional period now. After all the "busy-busy" and "rush-around", finally having a breather. I guess everything is rushing back at me in a very big torrent of reflections. Looked at the mirror and did not recognize the person looking back at me...
It had been a very busy 5months. Work peaked and in 4weeks' time, the cadets of 77/09 are going to commission. When I looked back, everything seems like a blur. Since Chinese New Year, I had went to Brunei for 3 weeks and Genting/Kualur Lumpuar straight after. When Chapman asked me to go for the Japan trip, I did not know what hit me or what was going through my mind, I immediately agreed. Discussed on a Wednesday, bought tickets on Thursday and I was in the plane to Japan on Friday afternoon. It was great fun and definitely an experience etched into my memories. Just came back from Thailand, the cadets' second overseas trip. Learn a wee bit of thai.
Just ended all the high-keyed work events. Had a very bad case of emotional backlash for the past week. Outfield, admist the nature and long odd hours, can be very reflective...
A lot of thoughts went through my head... Work, career, people, what's coming up, etc... Seriously what is up ahead of me... I cannot seems see things like I thought I always could. Where is the decisivness? Where is the insight? What is the outlook nowadays? Apparently there is nothing much up ahead... Everything seems bleak... All of a sudden, feel a need to pour out everything... Looking around, i suddenly feel very lonely and afraid of what is ahead...
Just today I saw a couple of people on the train trip from Tampines to Bishan. But I did not approach and say hi... Why?I realised for the past 5 months, I had not been doing that. I think I even go to the extend of turning around and walk down the other direction. I really do not know where did the person, who was once the president of Temasek Polytechnic Students' Union, went... Where are the bubbliness and friendliness?... Sometimes I cannot believe this kind of thing is happening... But what am I talking about... 2 minutes ago, i just turned away from someone I knew on the train... I always thought this kind of thing will only happen to someone else... Ha... :(
Nowadays I realised I am really not good at whatever I am doing, no matter what it is... I cannot sing, I cannot dance, I cannot draw, I cannot write, I cannot seem to take any photos, i cannot seem to play Magic, do not even seem to have people to watch movie with, do not have savings, do not have a mind of what to do in future, blah blah blah and the list goes on and on...
Mondays to Fridays: work
Saturdays: meet up with Mad Cows
Sundays: Magic tourneys or Ah Ma's place
Impressive right? I used up everyday of my week... But why do I feel lost...? I really enjoy my magic sessions. Everyone is so cute!
I really want to talk to someone... Even up till now, i will still subconsiously pick up my mobile and dial the number and the call was never made. Sometimes I already the answer but I think I need is just a little push, a little voice of encouragement. I think we already know each other so well that I know what will be the answer, even down to how
the conversation will be like.
Why...?
Yesterday took a cab back from camp with Min Siang and Kwang Wei. Something the cab driver said stuck with me. He said (in a mix of mandrian and hokkien", "in the past, I was how impressive and fierce, now even if you spit on me, I will apologize. As a father of 4 children, and at this age, somethings just do not really matter anymore..."
I do not know what to say to that...
I know. I know. All of these are only made possible because my own actions. I just cannot find any energy to behave otherwise... I really need to get out of here... Coming will be Manila in June and should be going to europe with Chapman in August.
I want to have a time out to have a late morning coffee and just snap some pictures...
Just came out of Isetan, Lido. Mummy and Daddy brought me to shopping. Came out emptyhanded. The OT shoes are quite nice but cannot seem to buy something nowadays. Decided not to spend money. Have new resolution today: I should buy a house in 2 years' time. Hmm... Wonders...
Sent from my iPod
